Commitment

"A gentleman always accepts the first invitation."

Paraphrased from a coffee table book, you may be wondering how this fits into my life.  A friend of mine has often quoted this when relating one of the major problems with young adults today.  Let's face it--we are a generation of commitment-phobes.  This manifests in the monumental (divorce rates, a "hook-up" culture) and the miniscule (that good ol' "maybe" RSVP that allows you to back out if something better comes along).

Don't get me wrong, I am the queen of the last-minute back out.  I always blamed it on my introversion, arriving at a night in question and realizing that I'd much rather stay home and read on the couch.  And I'm a space cadet, constantly forgetting the plans I've made and double-booking myself, forcing a choice which inevitably leaves someone abandoned.  My Catholic conscience has gifted me with perhaps more guilt than the average Joe about turning tail and running, but I never realized the full impact my selfish whims had until recently.

I've been on the receiving end of the back out a little too often for my liking the past couple months, and it sucks (good use of my abundant vocabulary, I know).  It makes me feel like my commitment to the meeting/committee/party/book club/lunch date/tentative plans means absolutely nothing.  And it makes me feel just a little less committed to the next one, a little less likely to commit to something else.  It's egoistic, belittling, self-perpetuating, injurious, and rampant, and I hate thinking that I've contributed to someone else feeling like this.

I haven't been doing so hot on my attempt to balance egoism and altruism--turns out I'm not as selfless as I'd like to think--but this is a great place to start.  Accepting invitations and following through, letting our word mean something, and honoring the commitment of others...is it too optimistic to think we can right our generation one small piece at a time?

Good, Beautiful and True

Several weeks ago, I made a pact with myself to try and see the positive in my life.  I wanted to focus on the good, the beautiful, and the true, the reflections of God's love and reality in my day-to-day experiences.  I made it longer than I thought, starting the first couple weeks by writing down three things (a good, a beauty, and a truth) each night.  That got to be daunting, and to be honest, I started repeating.  Probably more a reflection that I needed to be aware of those positive things than my lack of imagination.  So after a while, I just picked one thing each day.  Looking back over the last 5 weeks or so, I've got a pretty amazing snapshot of my blessings.

The Good--
7-second hugs, joyful priests, dinner with the fam, feeling appreciated, learning something new, having a job, laughter, recreation as re-creation, Catholic Stuff You Should Know podcast, sleep, living in Colorado, being greeted by a dog, minor mountain miracles, my coworkers, the resilience of the human spirit, a sense of accomplishment, setting goals that challenge you, a Broncos trip to the Super Bowl, shared passions, and connecting with total strangers

The Beautiful--
Colorado, the rescuing hug, a heart of service, a kiddo with Down's Syndrome in snowman PJ's saying 'bye', a moment of humility, the sliver of the new moon, a clean slate, a homemade gift, sunlight shining through the snow falling off the trees, the emotions that music makes you feel, sitting in the sun on a 30-degree day and feeling warm, sunrise from the 4th floor, Jesu Joy of Man's Desiring, Colorado aspens, the Denver skyline framed by the Rockies, a full moon, not letting a camera interrupt the moment, a clean dog, and stars on a clear night

The True--
It gets better.  I'm more willing to reveal my weaknesses to someone if I know they have a relationship with God.  Words of affirmation is definitely my love language.  It's comforting to know you aren't the only one struggling, no matter how small the frustration.  I want something to dream, something to do, and someone to love.  Adventure and passion are attractive.  An act of love thaws a frozen heart.  Traditions are worth establishing.  I'm proud of my family.  Music is good for the soul.  Sometimes you just need a lazy day.  Pudding chocolate chip cookies trump self-control.  The Light shines in the darkness and the darkness has not overcome It.  No matter what we try to pull, nothing we could ever do could change the way God feels about us.  I have the best coworkers.  Bowing to the deacon before the blessing with incense is one of my favorite Catholic things.  Protecting the family is essential to protecting a culture of life.

A pretty decent summary of my last month.  My project for next month is a challenge from the priest who heard my confession today.  We were discussing (read: he was talking, I was listening) the need for balance between egoism and altruism.  Even Jesus looked after Himself from time to time.  All those forays into the desert were "me time" for Jesus.  And it made Him better at giving of Himself.  You have to care for yourself, fill yourself up first, before you can care for others.  So, for the next week or month or whatever, I'm going to do one thing every day for myself and one thing every day for someone else.  Big or small, I'm going to try to find a balance between egoism and altruism.  Check back with you at the end of the experiment.

A Linebacker Inside a Runner's Body

I have never liked running.  I often get incredulous looks when I tell people this because they equate general athleticism and an affinity for all team sports with running.  But unless I am chasing down a ball, a frisbee, or an opponent, I don't want to be running.  It's why I prefer to play center midfield in soccer (for all you who think midfield means more running, you clearly have never played center midfield the right way), why I prefer to play lineman or defensive back in football, why I like pickup volleyball more than basketball, and why I'm usually good for about 2 points in ultimate frisbee.  You'd look at me and see a runner.

I have the right shoes, the right tights, the right build...

You'd be wrong.  However, I have commenced training for my first half-marathon (let's be honest, it's my first race above 7k, and the first time I will have ever run more than 5 miles).  I'm determined to set myself up for success.  I bought new shoes, new socks, figured out some good running music, ordered some electrolyte powder for those post-run refueling sessions, and am prematurely plotting my carb loads.  Today, I ran just over 4 miles.  That's the longest I've run in 4 years, and I averaged just a hair under 9 minutes per mile.  To some, that might not be a big accomplishment, but for me, it proves something that just might get me through training and the race: mid-distance running has to be at least 50% mental.

You see, the only timed race I've ever run was the Running of the Green lucky 7k four years ago.  Laura and I trained, albeit modestly, in the 6 weeks leading up to the race.  We averaged a respectable but unimpressive 10 minutes per mile.  After two weeks of "training" involving a handful of 3 mile runs, I just beat that time.  With a side cramp that lasted approximately the entire run.  But I knew that if I couldn't push myself on 4 miles, I couldn't push myself on thirteen.  So, I used willpower to finish the run.  My legs were tired from skiing yesterday, the run finishes on about 3/4 mile of straight uphill, and did I mention the side cramp?  But I finished.  So, despite my continued hatred of running, I will press on, optimistic that if I can't physically be a runner, at least I can try to be one mentally.

2013

I'm really ready for 2014.  I'm not sure I've ever been so happy to hit the end of a year, or so optimistic about the year to come.  It's not that 2013 was a bad year.  I got to see a lot, try a lot, do a lot.  I accomplished my New Year's Resolution with aplomb.  See one new place: San Francisco.  Try three new things outside my comfort zone: skydive (that should count for two), leading a small faith-sharing group with total strangers (I know it doesn't sound like all that much of a stretch, but trust me), asking a guy out (started with promise, ended up going over like a lead balloon, don't ask).

And there were a ton of other really awesome moments: Mass on top of a 14er, a killer going-away party from my top-notch coworkers, snowmobiling the Continental Divide, speaking at a couple of conferences (that counts as outside my comfort zone too), a long overdue trip back to Omaha, some good craft time, some good craft beer time, Laura moving home, volunteering, etc.

So I can't figure out why I'm so ready to move on, why 2014 is calling my name so urgently.  Part of it is the really awesome stuff in store (Nicaragua, Ireland, Nashville), part of it is a need to settle into the new job and reassure myself that I made the right decision, part of it is the looming big 3-0.  But if I've ever ended a year so completely convinced that I have the best support crew to help me with the transition, this would be it.  So, raise your glass to hope.  Here's to a great 2014!

7 Days Off

Still not sure what to think about the new job.  Several days through my first stretch, I had a dream that I was asked for dosing recommendations for enoxaparin in an obese 10-year-old.  Something I would ordinarily jump at, but something that, unfortunately, is not likely to be part of my new job.  There are a lot of things that I loved doing clinically that will not be part of my new job.  The part I'm going to have to figure out is how to make the job as much as it possibly can be.  The part I've already figured out is how to maximize my weeks off.

In 7 days, I've managed to:

• ski my first day of the season without falling
• snowshoe a gorgeous trail up to the top of Squaw Mountain
• try a new brewery, visit one of my favorite bars, and tour the Stranahan's distillery
• celebrate Christmas with the fam, kick everyone's butt at Mexican Train
• see two movies in the theater and another two from Redbox
• vacuum, laundry, give the dog a bath
• cook Greek meat pies, veggie mac 'n' cheese, breakfast burritos, and sausage & sweet potato soup
• see Zoo Lights
• finish a couple books
• work out just enough to not feel like a slug
• get my refrigerator fixed (hooray!)
• do a little self-indulgent shopping

The only thing lacking was catching up on sleep.  That's gonna make 4:45am come really early tomorrow, but I'm taking things in baby steps.  Ask me in another month how the job is going.  In the mean time, the time off is going really well.

Goodness, Truth and Beauty

Hard to believe it's been 2 1/2 months since I've blogged.  Not much I've wanted to say, I suppose.  But as a community is grieving, having just returned from a prayer service for the Arapahoe family, I am a little overwhelmed by a surprising sentiment.  Through the tragedy, the tears, the sorrow, the hurt, I am reminded over and over of a God who is bigger than all of that.  The Light shines in the darkness and the darkness has not overcome it.  The reminders have not been big revelations.  I don't know where this community will find hope.  I don't know what positive things will come from this horrific event.  But the little things are everywhere for me.  At the prayer service, I just kept seeing the goodness, truth and beauty in my life.  Fr. Mel cracking jokes in the pew behind us.  Members of my extended family, at my second home, greeting one another with fierce hugs.  Power of Love sung beautifully, with meaning I've never heard before.  A powerful display of what prayer can do.  Dolly Parton on the radio on the way home.  You know, little things.  But they point to my foundation, my hope, my passion, and my purpose.  And I don't want to forget that.

So, I am proposing a challenge to myself.  Every day, I will write down one thing of truth, one thing of beauty, and one thing of goodness that I find throughout my day.  I'll try it for a week, a month, hopefully a year.  Because I want to let those things be the last thing on my mind as I fall asleep.  I want those things to be the first thing I remember when I wake up.  I want them to be the reminder throughout the mess of the day that our God loves us with a powerful love, and that nothing can separate us from that.  Nothing is more important than that.  Nothing is more worth fighting for.

Ninja Angel- Elsa Meresi

It feels selfish to grieve, it feels cold not to.  It feels far too easy to pretend there's been some mistake.  I'm afraid of how much it might hurt if I let myself process it.  And I'm afraid of betraying a beautiful life if I bottle it up and act like it's not real.  So, until I figure it out, I remember with fondness the smile, the laughter, the kind words, the sneaky ninja moves, the snarky comments, the Greek connection, a fabulous coworker and dear friend.

This is what happens when Elsa goes all ninja on your back

And this, sadly is the only picture I have of her...gettin' down with her bad blue self (making chemo with Zanette)